Unread Notes From Underground
by JSacks
Summary: The underground man's story continued


I have not yet explained why I came to live so deep underground; therefore my notes must certainly go on. If my notes stopped here, my life would be over. I would have nothing to do but sit here and plot my revenge for those above me. Eventually my body would shut down from such great stress. Then, all that would remain here is my corpse, rotting till someone came down to investigate.

I lied when I said that I would never see Liza again. It seemed to embarrassing to put to words the events that came after her departure. How could it have been that I was socially lowered to less than a prostitute? She wouldn't even take my money for her services, a very harsh insult indeed. I knew that if anything I must regain my status with this prostitute, if I was to be able to ever function again in society. Times were rough though. I had spent all of my money trying to impress Zverkov. I also owed a large sum of money to my employer, which would take some time to pay off. There was no way that I could let Liza keep the upper hand though. It would take some time to get back at her, but no matter, my scheme will be even better by the time I am able to carry it out. It took me a few days, but I finally realized my best approach.

First I would square away the debts with my employer. After my debt was paid off I would be able to start saving money to put my plans into action. It might require withholding Apollon's salary for a short time, if I can bare his torture. I know that I can. It is I who has the upper hand in the relationship not him. What is the worst that can happen, he will not serve me my tea? That would be better because cutting tea from my diet would save me a great deal. Apollon won't get the upper hand this time. I will pay him, but I'll make him sweat for a while. Then when I plan to invite Liza over I will give him his wages so that he is appeased. This time he won't be able to make me look bad, because I will be in control. Once I have the correct sum of rubbles nothing will be able to get in my way; although I cannot wait to long to put my plan into action. I must bait my fish first in order to swipe in for the kill.

It will not be easy, but I must go and apologize to Liza. She will not want to hear it, but I must make myself heard. I could tell that this woman had fallen in love with me. I must be able to trip her up again. My insult was only a small one and once I explain the reason for my rudeness she will surely understand. I am a despicable man and not worthy of her love; this is why I must gain her love again. Her love could be my savior. I am no romantic though; therefore this will inevitably fail. I want this love to fail though, so that I might gain the upper hand. I must make her think that I fell in love with her and then came to no longer love her. If she believes that she is the unworthy one then I will once again be worthy. I will be returned to my previous status and may even be able to walk around with my head held high. It is I who am the perspicacious one not her. Maybe once my task is complete I will be able to rise from the underground.

After a couple of weeks had passed I finally built up the courage to go and meet my oppressor. Still my debts had not been paid off, so I could not buy out her time, but I could still run into her on her way out to the market. After all she must require food at some time. I headed over to her house and waited on the bench across the street. It was only a matter of time until she would walk out and see me. Then I would be able to tell her how wrong I'd been to let her go. I waited for hours, but she never came. Finally I was so overcome with hunger that I had to go home for dinner.

Upon arriving at home I was so angry with myself that I had not waited a while longer. If only I could have contained my hunger I knew that she would have come out very soon. Could it have been that she saw me from the window and had no desire to see me? No this could not be, surely if she saw me she would have known my intentions and come running out to receive my apology. Then again, I am not a worthy enough man to be forgiven. She probably thinks so lowly of me that she would not even been scared to come out. When she did come out she probably would have passed me by with out a glance. Since I am no longer in charge she must pity me, but if she pities me then won't she feel bad ignoring me. She is such a pure, innocent girl that she could not possible hurt me any further. By sitting there on that bench she will have to say something as long as she sees me enough times. I will go there after dinner and continue my sitting until she comes out. If she has in fact spotted me there before, my returned presence will have to give her the impression of my sincere regrets. For now I will just eat dinner so I won't catch cold while waiting for me love.

After about an hour or two of dining and wondering whether I should just go in and retrieve her I decided to stick with my original plan. I headed over to the bench across the street from her place of business and waited patiently. For a while I could not contain myself from jumping up and heading to the door. A couple of times I stood up and ran across the street, only to turn around and run right back. After I while I gave up even rising from my bench because I knew that I was too much of a coward to go in. Three hours had passed when it began to snow. When the snow got so thick that I could hardly see my own feet I decided that it was time to head back home. How could she not have seen me there shivering all night long? She must have known that I was waiting for her to come out. Many people had come in and out of the house, surely one of them must have reported the presence of a strange man sitting on a bench across the street. Who am I kidding no one would ever notice me. I am to well dressed to be homeless, but not well dressed enough to be noticed. I am a fly on the wall that no one notices until I am picking through your food. I don't deserve any ones attention, not even the attention of a whore. Wait, I am an important part of society. I cannot be made less than a whore. I will go in there tomorrow and regain my previous status.

Weeks went by until I finally gained the courage to go into the madam, but I never stopped sitting outside waiting for Liza. I believed that she would have to notice me one day, but she never did. Then after weeks of waiting outside and running up to the door but never going in, I saw her. She had come into the house from the street and passed right by me. She didn't even notice that I was sitting on the bench across the street from the madam. I could not stand it anymore I had to run in and make it known that I would not be ignored any longer. It was not my plan to go into the madam this particular day. In all honesty I had given up even going up to the house after the first couple of weeks. This time though I would rush into the house and demand to see Liza. I still did not have the money to pay for her services, but I would fake it. I knew that Liza would probably not let me pay anyway so my fiscal situation really didn't have any adverse effects.

Upon entering the madam I immediately requested that I be set up with Liza. "I'm sorry sir Liza can't be seen right now, but I would be happy to set you up with any of our other fine girls." "No!" I yelled. "I must see Liza." The proprietor continued on telling me that I could not see Liza. I would not listen however, and ran up to the room in which I first encountered Liza. Upon entering I noticed that it had none of the personal belongings that it previously contained. Liza did not occupy this room anymore. I ran back downstairs and demanded an answer. "Well sir Liza was thrown out of this house three weeks ago." "How could this be I just saw her come in here," I exclaimed. To which the proprietor replied "She was here to beg for her job back, but I cannot employ someone in her condition so I sent her away." "Her condition," what was meant by this? When I saw Liza she had looked the same as the day that I had met her. I had to know what had happened. I asked the woman in charge "What happened to her." "I don't think that is any of your business sir," she replied. This infuriated me and I responded by exclaiming, " I will not be brushed off to the side like some servant you will tell me what happened to her." Obviously I did not sound tough enough because the owner would not tell me what ailed Liza; however I was able to coerce her into telling me where Liza had gone. It turned out that Liza had gone to work for another brothel with a lower status. This did not surprise me because I knew that she would not last long at her first madam. Still though I could not think of why she had been kicked out. The last time I saw her she was in perfect health. I couldn't think of any reason why this would have changed.

Now that I had acted as a strong man I could think of no reason to stop playing the role. Things weren't going all according to what I planned, but in a sense it was better that way. Since Liza had succumbed to something and now resided at an even worse brothel I could be her night in shinning armor. I would burst into the brothel and tell them that I am here to see Liza. Then they would show me to her room and I would tell her my plans to save her. She would be so happy that I was there that she would have to accept my offer. Once I had enough money to pay off her debt I would save her from her meek life and she would have to respect me. With her respect would come the respect of many. They would all see what a hero I was and no longer would I have to spend my days in my "underground." Maybe I would even be able to boost my status in society high enough to show Liza a life she could have only dreamed of.

When I finally arrived at Liza current address, I had lost some of the courage that I previously possessed. Finally after walking around the block for the umpteenth time, I got up the courage to go in. Since this house was not as prestigious as the last I could actually afford the services that they offered. Upon entering I immediately told them that I wanted Liza. They had no problem with my request since Liza had not been earning much lately. I was escorted up to her room where she lay on the bed, seemingly dead. "Get up you lazy filth you have a customer." Liza slowly raised her head and the minute her eyes met mine a look of relief enveloped her face. She knew that I was here to save her and was so excited that she almost jumped out of bed, and probably would have if she weren't in such a frail state. This was a huge surprise to me because never in my life has anyone ever been happy to see me. It was at this moment that I had a revelation that maybe I could love someone. I had read about true love in books and was pretty sure that I could emulate it. Now that I had the advantage over her it was possible to love.

After the madam left I sat down next to Liza and gently asked, "What has happened to you my dear Liza."

"Well after I left you my love I was so heart broken by your evil gestures that I fell ill. I could not think of any reason why you would have insulted me so. After a while I became so sick that I was not able to see other men. It didn't matter to the madam that I did not want to work; she kept forcing me to engage clients. I tried as hard as I could to satisfy the men that came in, but they all complained about how melancholy I was. Soon it got so bad that I could not even get out of bed. The madam kept rapping at my door and yelling obscenities but I just couldn't get up. After about a week or so of this I was thrown out onto the street to fend for myself. For days I sat on the street not knowing what I could do. I was often assaulted, but it didn't matter because I gave no resistance. Finally I decided that enough was enough and came here. The madam took me in and for the first few days I did everything that she asked. After a while I thought that things had finally gone back to normal, when all of a sudden the melancholy set in again. The madam would beat me for my failure to cooperate. Soon I couldn't take her beatings anymore so I just saw the men I had to and spent the rest of my time in bed. Now you are here though. You are here to rescue me of course. Right?"

I didn't know what to say, I had accomplished my goal with little effort on my part. I had won. She was now the one who needed me. Once again I was the savior and she was the one to be pitied. Everything had gone perfectly, but could I keep this newly acquired status. No it would be impossible. Once she is better she will begin to pity me again. I cannot let that happen. I will be the one to save her and she must worship me for it.

Yes," I told her, "I am here to save you."

"Oh, thank you so much," she said.

I had to tell her one thing though, "Liza you will have to wait a couple of weeks because I have to arrange a few things."

"Ok," she said, "I will take this time to recover."

Now that my plans had been set in to motion I had a lot of work to do. I would have to clean up my apartment to make it look presentable. I would have to borrow some money in order to pay off her debt also. Thankfully her debt wasn't to substantial because she had only been at that particular brothel for a short time. After all that was done I would go and rescue her. Then we will live happily ever after together. Wait though. I don't believe in happy endings. What if things don't work out as I planned? They must, but what if she finds out that I don't love her, but rather the power that I have over her. She will never find this out; she is to blinded by love. Yes it is finally I who has the advantage. I have waited so long for this day to come. Oh yes and I must pay Apollon. Now that I am a worthy man Apollon won't mistreat me anymore. Maybe I should wait to pay him so he can beg a little. No I mustn't wait because he will ruin everything if I do.

It took me a while for things to fall into the place, but the day finally came for me to save Liza. I went to the house and found her with all of her bags packed. Her color had come back and she was so ecstatic to see me. Nothing was going to get in my way now. I took her home and from then on we lived happily ever after. Most importantly I never lost my advantage over her.

I guess your wondering why my story ended so abruptly? Well it's because that isn't really how it ended. That was the way I wished it had ended. Of course you know that's not what happened because I would not be so far underground if things had gone as planned. For a while things did goes as planned. We lived together in harmony. Soon everything started to change though. Liza was losing her gratitude for me. One day she had the nerve to tell me that she wanted to live as equals. I tried to protest, but I was not given a choice. Eventually she moved out of my room and took up residence in the extra bedroom. I was not allowed in her bedroom unless I knocked and the only time we spent together was in a neutral room. As time went on I could not deal with this equality anymore. I wanted the upper hand. For days I thought of a plan to get things back to the way that they were, but I never had the courage to follow through with any of my plans. Eventually Liza fell out of love with me and left. From what I hear she went off and married some doctor from her past. Now I am the pitied one again. She pitied my lack of courage and that is why she left. If only I had been a stronger man she wouldn't have done this to me.

After a while I couldn't bear the rejection that I was subjected to. Thankfully I inherited some money and I am now able to live in peace here in the underground. This is the true ending to my story. Now I have noting more to write about. All that is left for me is death. It is so boring here in the underground. I have thought many times about suicide but I am not a strong enough man for such a proposition. I will sit down here until I rot of natural causes. Then maybe once my body is rotting someone will notice me. No that will never happen they will just think that I am a dead rat. Eventually they will find me though. Then they will see what I have written and I will be famous. No body ever gets famous until they are dead anyway….

The underground man did die eventually. He was right for days it was thought that the smell was a dead rat. Eventually he was found, but no one ever looked at what he wrote. They burned his manuscripts along with everything else that they found. For him there never was any advantage.

11


End file.
